Day #2 of the unjambment of my words
I found today to be a dizzy array of tasks none of which was particularly difficult or interesting but which one after another piled up upon each other to take up all my hours until just a bit ago. And it's after seven pm and people shouldn't be writing after seven pm. That's evening for god's sake. At the same time as I eschew all the trappings of nine to fiving, I also eschew working too early or too late. Which to some eyes (including mine own) might make me appear lazy.
PAUSE in which I draw a bit of a drawing, watch a bit of the first episode of the first season of Midsomer's Murders, send two texts to a friend for a bit, enter a bit of data into a spreadsheet and cut two carrots into bits.
I've been of late watching tiktok postings from people with ADD and finding them startling in how well they depict the way my mind works. Which I have only late in life realized is not how everyone's mind works. I was diagnosed with ADD about fifteen years ago and put on Adderall. I took Adderall for six months in which time I managed to finish a book. Teach two classes. Ghostwrite a couple of short books and take care of two kids. I also managed to break up my marriage and get committed to the loony bin for a week. So I stopped taking Adderall.
PAUSE in which I bring in several bits of firewood, throw a ball to the dog a bit, stoke the fire, recriminate on my lack of focus a bit and imagine the worst for a bit, watch a bit more of Midsomer Murders Episode 1, Season 1. Or is it written Season 1, Episode 1. Consider researching that a bit. Conclude that it mostly likely is, without researching it and decide I don't care.
At the time I felt that the dangers of speed were greater than the dangers of ADD which are more an accretion of obstacles rather than skidding off a cliff.
PAUSE in which I mix up a sauce and saute the carrots. I take a bowl of coffee grounds and table scraps to the bigger vat bound for the compost, draw a bit more and then switch to watching the news while I eat my meal. Think about a lot of things while I do this. Imagine writing down those things. Realize I left a bowl by the compost container and wince I have to go that way I pick up some more firewood
The tiktok guy I like who has ADD and is charismatic and cute and young has a post where he asks an old guy with ADD if he will ever have a good job. The old guy answers "You will have lots of good jobs...for a little while." I have had lots of good jobs for a little while. Lots of bad jobs for a little while too.
After fifteen years of hardly writing I want to fix the problem. I don't want to go back on Adderall. So I'm taking the Rhodiola my acupuncturist recommended. Which means I took it today. But I also drank too much coffee so it's hard to say which made it possible for me to write a second post on my second day of saying I'll write every day. I don't know if I'll write tomorrow. Writing itself (on a blog ffs) feels pretty self-indulgent but I spend all my time berating myself for not writing so if I begin berating myself for writing also I've kind of made life just a sequence of varieties of self-hatred. I remember the X saying once that I was miserable when I wasn't writing and I was absent when I was. He had a way with words, that guy. But there is a truth to it. Luckily I don't have to please very many people these days so being absent is acceptable.